tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-315428592024-03-24T11:22:07.183+02:00Ana Min BeirutThoughts and feelings about life in Beirut, Lebanon, the Middle East and Planet Earth under Globalization.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-17295287529323059322012-11-26T22:46:00.000+02:002014-02-04T11:51:32.735+02:00Arturo Sandoval: Romantico<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-72812220510332000202012-11-26T22:20:00.000+02:002014-02-04T11:54:39.081+02:00Keith Jarrett: Don't Ever Leave Me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-41511548318130578212012-11-25T21:44:00.001+02:002012-11-25T21:45:34.138+02:00Elie Maalouf: Through Life<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-68505134793279535352012-11-25T20:59:00.000+02:002012-11-26T22:54:19.798+02:00Klazz Brothers: Pathetique III<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-46901130019327665412012-11-19T21:53:00.002+02:002012-11-26T22:54:34.153+02:00The Princess of Jazz: Boomerang<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #073763; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">A Piano wizard from Azerbaijan</span></div>
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1418247409814808192012-10-31T15:47:00.002+02:002012-10-31T15:47:43.184+02:00Meet Mr. Satyan<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Track's name: On Green Dolphin Street - From Album Art for Art's Sake</span></div>
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-80075783689710422162012-10-29T15:18:00.003+02:002012-10-29T15:18:40.465+02:00Windmills of Your Mind - by Arturo Sandoval<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">A Natural Anti-Stress if you ever needed one...</span></div>
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-73265719509529217482008-12-08T22:51:00.002+02:002008-12-08T22:55:16.431+02:00Another ThoughtShe said: "Beware, I know Tae Kwon Do"<br />I said: "I don't care, I know Smith & Wesson"<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">(some people need some serious reconsidering of their threatening techniques)</span>Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-90902288801038509362007-12-31T19:57:00.000+02:002007-12-31T20:12:24.460+02:00In Tribute of Loose Cannons<strong><em><span style="color:#ffcc00;">I hate it when I come across an idea that someone else beat me to it and put it in words so superbly. I tip my hat for you Mr. Soderstrom</span></em></strong><br /><br />Aw yes,<br />To be an honest human being,<br />Honest with one’s self,<br />Honest with God,<br />Honest with others.<br /><br />Enough of,<br />Being an organizational man,<br />A team player,<br />A status-quo oriented,<br />Whatever you say boss,<br />Yes I’ll kiss your ass,<br />Anytime you want,<br />Kind of guy.<br /><br />What the world does not need,<br />Is another bunch of,<br />Scum-sucking sycophants,<br />Back-slapping toads,<br />Submissive slaves,<br />Grinning fools,<br />Yes men,<br />Truckling turds,<br />Groveling,<br />Boot-licking,<br />Brown-nosing,<br />Stooges,<br />Cowering,<br />Cringing,<br />Kowtowing,<br />Ingratiating goons,<br />Submissive,<br />Obsequious,<br />Sniveling,<br />Wheedling,<br />Well-wishers,<br />Mealy-mouthed,<br />Mortimers,<br />Fawning,<br />Groveling,<br />Partisan flunkies,<br />Ass-kissing,<br />Good old boy,<br />Government lackeys.<br /><br />Enough of that shit!<br />To hell with that kind of life,<br />No more being just another,<br />Damn wage slave!<br /><br />However,<br />What the world does need is more,<br />Whistle-blowers,<br />Free-thinkers,<br />Iconoclasts,<br />Infidels,<br />Insubordinates,<br />Doubting Thomases,<br />Devil’s advocates,<br />Scoffers,<br />Rebels,<br />Recalcitrant radicals,<br />Reprobates,<br />Revolutionaries,<br />Individualists,<br />Insurgents,<br />Insurrectionists,<br />Liberals,<br />Mutinous mugwumps,<br />Liberators,<br />Emancipators,<br />Seditious subversives,<br />Scalawags,<br />Mavericks.<br /><br />People who,<br />Quite frankly,<br />Don’t give a good damn,<br />About anything,<br />Except what is right.<br /><br />What the world needs,<br />Is a few more,<br />Leo Tolstoys,<br />Henry David Thoreaus,<br />Martin Luther Kings,<br />Mohandas Gandhis,<br />Bob Dylans,<br />Jesus Christs,<br />A few more,<br />Loose cannons.<br /><br />That’s what the world needs!<br /><em>Doug Soderstrom, Ph.D. May 14, 2005</em>Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-71085976794190086112007-12-22T07:45:00.000+02:002007-12-22T07:50:03.994+02:00Anti-Establishment!!!- “How come you are so Anti-Establishment?” she asked. “You don’t look it either!”<br />- “I will take the first part of your question as a compliment and the second part as an insult” I replied. <br />- “But that doesn’t answer my question” she quipped.<br />- “What do you wanna know?”<br />- “I wanna know how come a guy in chic clothes is so adamant on bringing the establishment down?”<br />- “You know for someone who is so not “interested” you have complimented me in two questions more than you have in 7 or 8 dates … I can’t figure you out!!!”<br />- “When did you decide I was not interested?”<br />- “After the third date” I said.<br />- “How come you kept asking me out then?”<br />- “I wanted to make sure that I was really intimidated by you.”<br />- “You are insane.”<br />- “It helps me live in this country … it helps me bare the nightly news …”<br />- “You know you have no chance with any woman by admitting to her that she intimidates you.”<br />- “I’m known for bad luck… But intimidation makes me feel like a man again … so I will take the trade-off.”<br />- “So you are not worried about your chances with me”<br />- “Oh … that game was over after the third date”<br />- “Don’t you wanna know why?”<br />- “Not really. It wouldn’t be fair for the one I will date after you”<br />- “You are really insane”<br />- “Well, it keeps my blood chemistry whole”<br />- “How?”<br />- “Insanity saves me from Prozac and Tranxene”<br />- “Don’t you take insanity pills?”<br />- “To cure it?”<br />- “Yes”<br />- “Nope. I am very well adjusted with it. It grows well on me. And I made my peace with it”<br />- “What is so intimidating about me?”<br />- “I can’t tell you”<br />- “Why?”<br />- “It wouldn’t be fair to the guy you’ll date after me”<br />- “Man!!! You really are crazy!!!”<br />- “Don’t be so sure about it…I need all my mental capacities to fight the establishment”<br />- “So you do admit that you are anti-establishment”<br />- “Admit!!!! Not at all my dear … I profess my anti-establishment feelings…I proclaim them”.<br />- “You didn’t say much about that when we were going out!!!”<br />- “I was too busy being intimidated by you”<br />- “But WHY???”<br />- “Can’t say” I replied. “Courtesy to the next guy”<br />- “Fine. Then answer me about the establishment”<br />- “What is it you wanna know?”<br />- “if anything, you look like you embody the establishment”<br />- “Don’t be fooled by looks. Besides, you gotta know the rules to break them…You gotta know the weak points to know where to attack”<br />- “You are serious aren’t you?”<br />- “Dead serious”<br />- “You seriously think you stand a chance against the establishment”<br />- “The establishment is not doing that well believe me … the main problem is that people are so fooled by outside appearances”<br />- “So if I get your drift you will fight it from within”<br />- “Not from within…that would be treason…let’s say that I understand how it works and what makes it tick to fight it better”<br />- “How?”<br />- “You have to beat them at their own game … You have to be a better player and beat them at their own game”<br />- “How can you play and beat them at their own game and not become like them?”<br />- “That’s why I use my insanity as a shield”<br />- “Oh I forgot about the insanity thing …how does it shield you from becoming like them?”<br />- “Well if you were dating an establishment fellow he would never admit to intimidation…he will make you believe that he is everything that he really isn’t and you will fall for it because like everybody you are fascinated by the establishment”<br />- “Go on…”<br />- “You will be so fooled by the façade and the false sense of financial security that you will end-up marrying this guy…when you finally see through the smoke screen you will have two or three kids on your knees”<br />- “What’s wrong with financial security?”<br />- “Nothing if it is not the prerequisite for the relationship to go ahead”<br />- “What if I make sure that there is no façade? That he is the real thing”<br />- “Truly loaded you mean”<br />- “You are such a cynic”<br />- “Don’t confuse cynicism with candid frankness”<br />- “Ok…so yeah he is <em>loaded</em>…and I will get involved with him”<br />- “Oh by all means do…Papa’s boys are so interesting to share your life with…I gotta warn you though…they have no balls…and I mean that both literally and metaphorically”<br />- “Oh God…we need to change subject”<br />- “Wait, wait…my anti-establishment feelings have nothing to do with relationships…it was you who mixed the two together… My anti-establishment feelings are purely social”<br />- “Oh no you are a communist?”<br />- “No no … I am not…God… that train passed a long time ago…communism is against human nature…”<br />- “So are you a capitalist then?”<br />- “Nope. Capitalism caters to the worst of human nature: GREED. Mark my words, capitalism will devour itself or it will end life on this planet as we know it”<br />- “Oh please spare me that environmental meandering philosophical bullshit”<br />- “I will … but remember these words next time you take your next breath of air loaded with monoxide carbon gases or you drink your water loaded with heavy metals or eat your fruits and vegetables coated with carcinogenic pesticides and herbicides”<br />- “Please stop”<br />- “No I am on a roll now … why every time you put your computer on Microsoft makes a profit? Why is my news feed controlled by Rupert Murdoch or Time-Warner? Why are my cellular calls profiting politicians? Why are we as a global community of the 21st century converging again into 19th century monopolies?”<br />- “Am I supposed to answer those questions?”<br />- “No. You just wanted to know why I am anti-establishment and I gave you the tip of the iceberg”<br />- “You are weird.”<br />- “Wow, another compliment…if you keep this up we might make this work after all”<br />- “Don’t get your hopes so high”<br />- “I know I know, we were done by the third date the rest was just research”Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-8541476682874293902007-11-13T09:43:00.000+02:002007-11-13T09:47:57.316+02:00Another ThoughtYou Know, I haven't noticed it before but come to think of it, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus">Oedipus </a>was a motherfucker !!!Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-65641315336506495522007-09-26T12:04:00.000+03:002007-09-26T12:10:41.409+03:00Darth vs. DickApparently Hillary Clinton reads my <a href="http://anaminbeirut.blogspot.com/2007/09/beware-of-democracy.html">blog </a>!!! last week she called Dick Cheney Darth Vader.<br /><br />Late night comics had a ball with that:<br /><br />"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him '<a href="http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-cheneyvader.htm">Darth Vader</a>.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien<br /><br />"It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as <a href="http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-cheneyvader.htm">Darth Vader</a>. ... And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno<br /><br />"But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call <a href="http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blpic-cheneyvader.htm">Dick Cheney Darth Vader</a>. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill MaherAna Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-25824228372537046562007-09-07T11:32:00.000+03:002007-09-07T11:39:02.401+03:00Beware of Democracy ….Especially if you live in the Middle East. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating totalitarianism or any kind of other repressive ways of government. God knows we have enough of that.<br /><br />I like democracy…I love democracy…on the surface it looks great. Nothing beats the fact that decisions are made based on the individual decision of a majority of people. And what the majority says…goes. Simple and yet very powerful.<br /><br />But, the form of democracy the world now lives is essentially flawed. Otherwise, how can you explain that “Dumbo” is president of the largest, most powerful democracy of all times and to add insult to injury “Darth Vader” is his vice-president. I am liking democracy less and less.<br /><br />Now for the last six or seven years, "D&D" have been actively exporting Democracy to our neck of the woods. Hey don’t get me wrong, again on the surface it looks great, the Middle East desperately needs democracy but if we are to get the same flawed version currently “installed on the mother ship” …Thanks…we pass.<br /><br />I know there has been a long time running argument that people in the Middle East cannot handle democracy or are not prepared for democracy, well if rednecks from Montana can handle democracy then anyone else on the planet can. So spare me that argument please.<br /><br />There are no democracies in the Middle East. None. Israel included. There are no Moderates either. Saudi Arabia and Egypt included. Saying that the Saudi regime is moderate is like saying that Paris Hilton is a bastion of purity.<br />Can someone please convey a message to Condi to stop insulting our collective intelligence.<br /><br />Someone not so long ago summed up the US foreign policy priorities as three major points in the following decreasing order of importance:<br />1- Oil<br />2- Oil<br />3- Israel<br /><br />So please make your plans accordingly. Try to stay safe, relax, kick back and enjoy the show. The next three to four months are going to be really interesting.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-66744137987730377492007-03-20T23:19:00.000+02:002012-10-31T15:57:54.995+02:00Religion<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #134f5c; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">A hilarious take on the subject by the man himself: George Carlin.</span> </div>
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Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-35669453177385706682007-03-10T18:24:00.000+02:002007-03-10T18:29:55.892+02:00Modern ManI’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free.<br /><br />A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist that is politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.<br /><br />I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.<br /><br />I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!<br /><br />I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable.<br /><br />I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.<br /><br />Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. I’m on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs.<br /><br />I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar.<br /><br />A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps.<br /><br />I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!<br /><br />I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up. You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless and I’m wireless, I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.<br /><br />I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward.<br /><br />Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last!<br /><br />I’m a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.<br /><br />But, I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up.<br /><br />I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! I’m gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.<br /><br />I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the “F” word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.<br /><br />I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle.<br /><br />I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.<br /><br />I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock.<br /><br />Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide.<br />I’ve got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin.<br /><br />I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time.<br /><br />I’m hangin in, there ain’t no doubt and I’m hangin tough, over and out!"<br /><br /><em><span style="color:#ff0000;">In tribute to my hero: George Carlin. If it weren’t for you I would have not fallen in love with words !!!!</span></em>Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-13838152984487087862007-02-09T13:32:00.000+02:002007-02-10T16:46:44.292+02:00Weird Workings of the Human Mind.I have always been fascinated by the human brain. My fascination keeps growing as medicine keeps unveiling the secret workings of this mysterious organ.<br /><br />To me, the single most mystical aspect of the brain is that, we, as a human specie have gotten around to using only 10% of our brain capacity. Imagine !!! only 10% and look at all the amazing doings the human race has achieved: computer technology, worldwide communication systems, space exploration, amazing music, art, poetry, architecture … and yet sometimes I think that we as a specie haven’t come around to using a single 1% of our brain potential: look at global warming, our inability to solve conflicts unless we kill each other, voting George W. Bush to Office …twice!!!<br /><br />Why am I telling you all this? Well because yesterday I had a very weird dream and I’ve woken up this morning and was fascinated (yet again) at how human brains process and store information over chronological periods of one’s life.<br /><br />This whole saga started during the Holidays festivities. One night, I was having dinner with a couple of friends in a restaurant in Gemmayzeh (1). I saw a group of people wearing white T-shirts doing the rounds of restaurants in the area. A group of 3 or 4 walked into the place where we were dining and one of them came straight to our table. She was wearing a T-shirt over her regular clothes that says: “Free Hugs”.<br />She politely asked me: “Would you care for a Hug? We are spreading the love”. I stood up and told her: “spread away, my friend” and we gave each other a hug.<br /><br />Now as I sat back to my table I found this to be very weird. I mean come on, we live in a Mediterranean/middle-eastern society so closely knit that sometimes you feel choking on all the “cousins and relatives” you have. Believe me, I CAN feel the love, no need for you to remind me. Besides, we are in the midst of Christmas/New Years Holidays and in a religiously mixed society Adha(2) feast coincided on New Years’ Eve. So believe me I had to bear with a lot of kisses and hugs from relatives I haven’t seen since the 1860 civil war. And to top it all off, I think that some of our relatives wait impatiently for the holidays season to “unleash” all their sexual frustrations on my poor cheeks in the form of hugs and kisses. One of my aunts still “bites my cheeks” every time she sees me and good luck telling her that I am 36 now aunty and not 9 but to no avail. I got so angry at that one time that I told my mom to tame her otherwise if she is biting me again I am going to squash her a tit!!!<br /><br />Now back to my dream. The above was one aspect of how the dream came about and the second aspect took me back to my years at the engineering school. My freshman year of college, university regulations had it that all freshman students have to stay on-campus. The university I attended was trying a new concept of housing called Quads.<br /><br />It was a four stories house and each floor had 4 or 5 rooms shared by 2 roommates. The quad had a common recreation area where all quad residents met at night. One of the residents was an African American football player named Billy. He was a six foot six, 300 something pounds fellow from “Bama Bama Alabama” who didn’t say much, kept to himself, and you knew it was Thursday when you would see Billy coming into the house carrying 7 cases of 24 oz. cans of Budweiser beer to carry him through the weekend.<br />Thank God Billy recycled because I am sure, judging by his beer consumption he would deplete the planet’s aluminum supply all by himself.<br /><br />Frankly I was afraid of Billy. My Lebanese civil war experience and my inner gut feeling always told me to stay away from the “big fella”. Although I am sure he was a harmless dude.<br /><br />Now to put one and one together, I watched the superbowl with a couple of friends last Sunday. I enjoy American football very much.<br />A few days go by and then my brain decides to “unravel” the following scenario on me last night:<br /><br />I am only wearing boxer shorts, carrying an American football and dashing through the main Gemmayzeh street at 3 in the morning. Behind me, is Billy sprinting to catch me wearing nothing but a white T-shirt which says: “Free Fucks”.<br /><br />(1) A Hustling and Bustling street in Beirut of Posh restaurants and pubs.<br />(2) A major Muslim holiday.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1167584233899932572006-12-31T18:34:00.000+02:002006-12-31T18:57:13.923+02:00Holiday festivity levels … A la Libanaise<strong>Festivity Level 1</strong>: You have invited twenty to thirty people from all walks of life you met in the last couple of years doing your work all over the country. They are a true representative sample of Lebanese society. You even went out of your way to insist on inviting the local Hezbollah representative you struck a friendship with doing work in that borderline southern village.<br />Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring the Christmas tree, some of them have gathered around the oud and piano players and are humming along that western-eastern fusion tune of Jingle Bells. All are enjoying Parfait Amour liqueur, Baileys or Drambuie and of course a panoply of fruit juices and sodas for those who don’t consume alcohol. Hors D’oeuvres specially delivered from Noura(1) are having all the ravings of the ladies without the calorie accounting.<br />Conversations are very civil and little laughters and “Allah Ykhallik – Allah Yi7fazak” (2) can be heard emanating from around the room.<br /><br /><strong>Festivity Level 2</strong>: You notice that the conversation pitch has distinctly heightened. Some guests are talking loudly to each other, some to no one in particular. The Hezbollah guy has moved next to the Baileys bottle. Others are gulping down Drambuie as if it was seltzer water. A group is wolfing down hors d’oeuvres like there is no tomorrow. The oud player has a Stolichanaya bottle hidden under his chair while the piano player has switched tunes and is playing an eerie version of the Pointers Sisters’ “I am so excited”. You can sense that the room has divided into “Aounisti”(3) versus “Moustaqabalista”(4) and the apartment feels warmer just by the heat of the conversation!A woman is rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments.<br /><br /><strong>Festivity Level 3</strong>: The guests are arguing violently about which shade of color is better to rule the country. You notice the Hezbollah guy has finished half the bottle of Baileys, you whisper in his ear: “Ya Hajj, this is Irish cream and it has tons of alcohol in it!” and he springs on his feet and screams his lungs out: “Mitil Irish!!! (5) I love the feeling it is giving to my head and yummy yum it tastes greaaaaaaaaaat”.<br />All your alcohol beverages are out and you notice that no one touched the juices. The oud player has taken a chord out of his instrument to floss out pieces of salmon stuck in his teeth. Although you made it abundantly clear to the musicians that you want them to play that famous Christmas song by George Michael, “I want your sex” was not what you had in mind, at least not for this “holy” occasion. The political debate is reduced to loud blabber even though you see some of the “belligerents” are starting to take pieces of their clothes off.<br />Noura shows up in person at your doorstep, her hair is a mess, she’s holding a half empty Jack Daniels bottle and she is going on and on about who makes the meanest “Tarte aux poireaux”(6) in town.<br /><br /><strong>Festivity Level 4</strong>: The piano player is placing hors d’oeuvres in the piano to try new sounds. The oud player has somehow managed to stick his head inside the oud and he is trying all kinds of sounds for echo.<br />The woman rearranging the Christmas tree ornaments is now hanging Hors D’oeuvres on the tree. She has set fire to the gifts underneath the tree because she wants you to taste the salmon “Flambé”.<br />Opposition and pro government debaters are smearing “Paté de Foie” over their naked upper bodies and starting a ritual war dance around the burning Christmas tree.<br />You dash out quickly to the balcony and find that the “Makhfar Hbeich”(7) patrol is circling around your building as you hear fire engine sirens getting closer.<br />The Hezbollah guy is making out with Noura in your kitchen after unloading all the items from the refrigerator!!!<br />You stand there and evaluate the situation for a second and realize that you don’t even remember why you held this party.<br /><br />PS: If you ever decide to hold such a party, make sure you keep the festivity level at around three!!!<br /><br />Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to All of You.<br /><br />(1) A famous Beirut caterer.<br />(2) “God bless you”.<br />(3) A leading opposition party.<br />(4) Pro-Government political entity.<br />(5) An Arabic expletive involving male genitalia.<br />(6) some kind of quiche with leeks and vegetables.<br />(7) The Vice Squad of Beirut.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1166736045530726972006-12-21T23:10:00.001+02:002009-03-13T11:04:08.102+02:00All in an afternoon of much ado about nothing.The following events “unraveled” yesterday afternoon. I was sitting in my office, feeling kind of bored actually. I am between projects currently, I just got back from a business trip where I had to present a project I had been working on for the last 4 months and the results were at best not up to par to what I expected. It is the week before Christmas, so work is kind of slow and I was in a blue of a mood.<br /><br />I hooked the speakers to my laptop and let Dave Brubeck rip his way through the room.<br /><br />At exactly 13:10 the following joke landed in my inbox:<br /><em>A LETTER WRITTEN BY A JUNKIE TO ZAVEN (OF THE FAMOUS TALK SHOW 'SIRI WINFATAHETT')<br />Dear Zaven,<br />I am a crack dealer in Basta(1) who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. One of my sisters, who lives in Jounieh, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana in their small garden and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Maameltein.(2)<br />I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Roumieh(3) for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Trablos(4) Jail on charges of neglecting his three children.<br />I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Jiyeh and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.<br />My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.<br />Should I tell her about my uncle who voted for Michel Aoun?(5)<br />Signed,<br />(Worried About My Reputation!)<br /></em><br />I had heard this joke before it was about George Bush. I still found it to be hilarious even though I did not agree with its political connotations. It was nonetheless a very good joke.<br /><br />The person who sent me this is a fellow Lebanese blogger and she had compiled a mailing list of about 30 recipients and sends stuff regularly. I did not ask her to add me to the list nor asked her to take me off especially that I did not agree with most of the political content of the emails sent. I accepted her messages under the freedom of speech mantra I am trying so desperately to spread around me.<br /><br />BUT!!! I was bored. So at exactly 13:48 I send out the following reply to ALL the people on the mailing list:<br /><br /><em>Dear Zaven:<br />I failed to mention that both my brothers (the murderer and the child abuser) will vote for Geagea(6) as soon as they go out of jail - As for my "Ho" sisters and fiancee, they are die hard tayyar Mustaqbal(7)Voters ...<br />Nice Family BTW ...eh hayda Lebnen (This is Lebanon) (NOT)<br />Merry Xmas to you all ...<br /></em><br />I am currently reading Malcom Gladwell’s book the Tipping Point which basically covers the issues of word of mouth epidemics in groups. I thought what better venue to put some of what I am reading to practice, throw some bait out and just sit and wait for someone to bite.<br /><br />I did not have to wait for long. Eleven minutes later I got this reply from the person who inspired this post, her initials are AS (yes it is only one S, but as you will read on you will realize that the second S is virtual!!!)<br /><br /><em>Chou osstak bitdallak natira 3al mafra2 la “Sender”<br />Ba3dena don’t you ever reply to someone that you don’t know (“Sender” plz Bcc next time)<br />And you “min Beirut” ma hay2tak min libnan bil assass.. Bi khssouss Aoun and Geagea wman yantami illa al mou3asskarayn, “Grow UP people” you are destroying our country… fikoun thilllo ba2a 3annna w 3an libnan<br /></em>In summary she is blaming me for picking on “Sender” because of a reply to another email about a month ago. But goes on and says you don’t seem to be Lebanese and regarding the political bickering between the opposition and the government it is destroying the country and that we should leave her and the country alone.<br /><br />Needless to say, I was ecstatic. So I jacked the music even louder and wrote her back:<br /><br /><em>AS:<br />1-Whatever is between me and “Sender” is none of your business. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen!!!<br />2-Ba3dena I am free to reply to whomever I feel like, if you don't like it you can either reply back or hit delete or ask “Sender” to take YOU off the mailing list<br />3-If you don't see the humor in all this then it is too bad for you - I think it is hilarious and I am having a blast ...<br />4-Don't worry ana min libnan (I am Lebanese) as much as you are (I will leave it at this, don't take up the issue again - friendly advice)<br />5-Did you take your Lexotanil(8) today ???<br /></em><br />Brubeck was playing his very famous Take Five and I thought this was so appropriate. I was so full of anticipation to get the reply. In the mean time others on the list were replying with some really lame, politically correct statements which I really don’t want to bother you with and which I ignored in the first place. “AS” had me mesmerized for the afternoon.<br /><div class="post-body"><br /><p><br /><embed name="WindowsMediaPlayer" pluginspage="http://www.microsoft.com/Windows/MediaPlayer/" src="http://www.cedarenv.com/beirutspring/take_five_dave_brubeck_time_out.wma" width="350" height="50" type="application/x-mplayer2" transparentstart="1" enablecontextmenu="true" animationatstart="0" showstatusbar="1" showdisplay="0" showcontrols="true" autostart="0"></embed><br /></p><br /><br /></div>It took her half an hour to respond. She wrote:<br /><br /><em>You consider yourself funny?<br />I think “Sender” will take YOU off her mailing list<br />You know you are such a jerk<br />And I can do better then delete (add you to my block list as I do for junk e-mails)<br />By the way, I never heard about Lexotanil! Maybe you are an expert in it?<br />GOD protect Lebanon from you and the likes of you!<br /></em><br />Whoaaaaaaaa!!! Oh yes …talk dirty to me baby !!!!<br /><br />I immediately replied:<br /><br /><em>I love you too ...Hayeteh..... ;-)<br />May you find an exit to all that build up anger ... I think I provided some help today...if you feel like unloading more please don't hesitate...besides my perpetual work in promoting free speech I also help in providing a crying shoulder for people in need of venting off.<br />And yes I am an expert on many issues in life and apparently you are in desperate need for my expertise. Doctors who prescribe medicine are not themselves sick but are attending to the well being of others!!!<br /><br />PS: you are a government clerk ... what are you doing wasting my tax money on useless exchanges...please engage in your hobbies on your own time not the taxpayers'.<br /><br />PPS: I thought you were capable of a civil exchange but you resorted to insults ... that speaks volume about you and your character ... I shall put an end to this conversation ... I only engage people who have made it past the 18th century.<br /><br />I shall remind you of this saying of Dante:<br />The darkest places in Hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.<br />Have a happy and a prosperous life.<br /></em><br />She did not reply.<br /><br />Now I think I hit three birds in one stone here:<br />1- I got the satisfactory feeling that whatever books I am reading have actually a way to apply them in a real life situation. The chapter I was at speaks of getting responses!!! Not necessarily angry ones, but hey I did get her to exchange a couple of them with me.<br />2- It has been a while since I last engaged in my favorite hobby of getting under a woman’s skin. Back when I was married I used to drive my wife crazy with wise ass arguments and discussions. I miss that to tell you the truth. And don’t get me wrong she used to enjoy them as well and it always ended in ….(you know!!!)<br />3- I think “Sender” finally grasped where I am coming from regarding freedom of speech because as I was checking my emails this morning I was happy to know that I was still on her mailing list.<br /><br />(1): A poor area in Beirut<br />(2): The Lebanese infamous red light district<br />(3): The largest Lebanese jail<br />(4): A city in the North of Lebanon<br />(5): A leading opposition figure who is famous for loosing it at times<br />(6): A convicted criminal and warlord who happens to support the government…for now<br />(7): The political movement of the late Rafic Hariri. They have been marred in financial scandals although no convictions have been issued …Yet.<br />(8): Number one tranquilizer medicine on the Lebanese market.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1166633323190290942006-12-20T18:45:00.000+02:002012-10-31T16:07:37.989+02:00Take me back…for Heaven’s sake!!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I am writing this sitting in the departure lounge of an Arab country national airport. The country in question has not made it yet to the exclusive club of “progressive economies” and/or “neo-con democracies” that litter the Arab region but it is desperately trying. Meanwhile it lingers under the great socialist economic policies of the “pre-Marx” era. (for those of you who are not History aficionados that’s about 1807 … AD of course)<br />
<br />
I have been here for 5 days now and frankly I feel that my political respiratory system has lost its ability to absorb and synthesize oxygen. I’ve always wondered on the ability of Arab regimes to affect the biology of their citizens to inhibit their bodies’ ability to take in oxygen or any gas for that matter … however, they do wonders on shoving the portraits and statues of the “el presidente supremo” down everybody’s throats and the people have done an even better job at “digesting” while keeping their mouths shut. If any one from the committee determining the new seven wonders of the world is reading this please take the aforementioned as a hint.<br />
<br />
My journey started with the taxi driving me to the airport at 7:10 AM. The driver refused to put the meter on. <br />
I said what’s wrong with your meter?<br />
Nothing he replied, but the ride to the airport is set at 10 dinars.<br />
I said, is that so?<br />
Oh he replied, that’s the general “Truth”. It is well known all over the country that the ride to the airport is 10 dinars.<br />
Even if the hotel is in the airport area? I replied.<br />
Yes he said. This is still part of the truth.<br />
<br />
I hate it when the truth bug infects a whole region. <br />
<br />
I told him, listen my friend, you either put your meter on or I am going to give you the “Fatfat” treatment (1). He said no thanks I already had tea for breakfast but since you are Lebanese I will put my meter on. The ride ended up costing 1.7 dinars. I compromised and gave him five. After all, the guy refused the “Fatfat” treatment!!! It pays to award honor.<br />
<br />
I arrive at the check-in counter and immediately head to the shortest line. There were three people ahead of me. I stand in line and look over to the counter. The check-in guy was arguing with a passenger and an old lady. I didn’t make much of it and decided to just wait it out. After about six or seven minutes, the line was not making any progress while all the others on each side of the check-in counter were advancing.<br />
I decided it was time to take action.<br />
<br />
I go over and ask the clerk what was the problem and why are we being held this long in line. He said that the passenger had some overweight and is refusing to pay the extras and he was bargaining with him to lower the penalty.<br />
Oh lovely, just what I need at 7:30 AM a bazaar of some sort with no end in sight while I wait in line. <br />
<br />
I told the clerk, listen man, I have only one baggage it should come only to 13 kg or so, please give my allowable seven more kilos to this guy and let’s get on with it. He said ok no problem but his suitcase weighed in at 63 Kgs!!! so he is still 36 Kgs overweight counting in your seven kilos contribution.<br />
<br />
I thought what in God’s name has this guy packed? Is that a suitcase or a Mini-Van he is trying to get on-board?<br />
<br />
As he took his suitcase off the check-in scale, I heard crackle sounds coming from his packed mallet. I thought my God this guy has packed his pots and pans and …. Oven!!!<br />
I mean someone should tell him that the logistics of worldwide food delivery have been resolved more than fifty years ago and wherever he was going he will be able to find something to eat. There is no need to pack the kitchen.<br />
<br />
I obtain my boarding pass and go through customs. On the security check there was the x-ray machine and the metal detector and passengers were putting their carry-on in the x-ray machine and walking through the metal detector as in every airport I have seen so far. However, the odd thing is that there was this security clerk with a handheld metal detector checking ALL passengers coming out of the metal detector: even if the metal detector did not beep you were still being “hand grabbed” by this fellow to check for that hidden “tactical neutron bomb” made from polyethylene plastic unrecognizable to metal detectors!!!<br />
<br />
I put my laptop through the x-ray machine and walk into the metal detector. No beep. But “Fabio” there wants to hand check me. So he starts “feeling me up” from top to bottom. Arriving to my waist area, his grabs are becoming more forceful, he then puts his hands to the back and starts feeling up my ass without even asking me for dinner first!!!<br />
I look at him, he’s unfazed. <br />
I thought to myself let it go man, this is the closest you will get to homosexual love, just think of it as an experience!!! I walked on thinking it’s good all my clothes are still on.<br />
<br />
This was not the end of it though. As I am walking out of the security area another bozo in a suit comes along and asks me:<br />
Do you have any currency?For a minute there I thought he was begging for some cash. I thought should I tell him that I don’t, since I have been pan handling in your country for the last 5 days but could not even get enough for breakfast but decided against it.<br />
He said again, “you cannot take out national currency from the country”. Usually, these retro socialist economic misfits of countries don’t like it if you take hard currency out but their own national currency? I was intrigued.<br />
I pull whatever of their cash I had in my pocket and it amounted to about 35 US dollars. He said again: “next time you should exchange them before leaving”.<br />
Hmmm, I thought my $35 worth of their cash is going to rock their financial stability? Damn, I never thought I was this much powerful financially.<br />
<br />
As I entered the gate departure lounge I bumped into the MEA (2) crew. I looked over and saw the captain of the plane, we exchanged looks and I immediately said:<br />
“Dakheel Ijrek, Khidneh 3a Beirut” (I am begging you take me to Beirut, already!)<br />
He quipped right back: “Mista3jleen aktar minnak” (I am in a more hurry than you are!)<br />
<br />
(1): Fatfat was the interim interior minister during the July war. He is the modern version of “Richard Coeur de Lion” when it comes to defending your country by making tea for invaders.<br />
(2): Middle East Airlines, the Lebanese national carrier company.</div>
Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1162724727145980362006-11-05T12:58:00.000+02:002006-11-06T10:57:05.086+02:002 Weddings, 2 Funerals and a Car Accident.Carpe Diem. I heard this term from two different people last July, during the war. Intrigued, I looked it up.<br /><br />Basically it is Latin for seize the day or the moment and enjoy it as much as you can because life is so fragile and it can be taken away in a flash. I kind of agreed with the definition but it did not touch or move me at the time even though death and destruction were our daily bread back in July.<br /><br />I guess the Big Fellow up in the skies was testing me this past month. He was more like messing with my mind regarding my acceptance of the Carpe Diem concept.<br /><br />It is odd how our brains work and how they put us in a “frame of mind” when we are in a contemplating mode. The last 40 days have been really interesting from that perspective.<br /><br />We are very tiny group of friends. More like brothers. We grew up together since our early ages of 8 or 9 years old. One of us was planning on getting married on the 21st of July and that of course did not happen because we were knee deep in “smart bombs and not so smart rhetoric” at the time. He postponed the wedding to Saturday September 30th.<br /><br />On Friday the 29th one of the guys (A.) in our circle was heading to meet another one of our friends to discuss a few last minute issues before the big wedding and how we were gonna play a big prank on the groom and fool the parents of his bride-to-be who are Jordanian.<br />A. was riding his bike on the motorway when a car decided to make a sudden U-turn right in front of him. He didn’t even break and was killed on the spot. He was 35 and father to a 2 month old baby girl. I don’t recall the last time I cried that much. I may never have cried that much before. I was sitting through the funeral proceedings and the words flashed in front of my eyes again: “… it can be taken away in a flash !!!”<br /><br />The wedding was grim. We are a loud bunch. We never miss a chance to poke fun at anything or anybody. We sat around that table and kept a seat empty for A. and for the sake of our groom we feigned a look of joy and happiness but we are bad actors. It showed miserably.<br />I always hated weddings in Lebanon. For starters the concentration of so many fake blondes in one surrounding is vomit inducing.<br />The display of plastic surgery prowess and “nude” clothing with Nancy Ajram and/or Wael Kfoury <span style="font-size:85%;">(1)</span> playing loudly has always reminded me of a famous quip by Oscar Wilde: when asked to give his opinion during a wedding party about a beautiful woman, he said: she is wearing too much rouge and not enough clothes. Always a sign of despair in a woman.<br />Of course, Wilde was gay and that makes him an expert on women.<br />Despair is not my favorite emotion. Desperate people are not my favorite crowd. So unless some things change I still hate going to weddings.<br /><br />The next week-end I was invited to yet another wedding. It was a close collaborator of mine who got plucked by a Lebanese expatriate who was on a visit to meet his match. I truly cared very much about this woman. She worked in my team for 7 or 8 years. I hated the idea of her getting married this way. But, it is none of my business and if the statistics are right and the ratio of women to men in Lebanon has reached 5 to 1, then by all means Mabrouk <span style="font-size:85%;">(2)</span>. I don’t want to interfere with destiny or statistics for that matter.<br /><br />I hated that wedding as well not because of the graphic displays of “despair” but since I am unattached these days, there was an attempt by every “tante” <span style="font-size:85%;">(3)</span> in the hall to introduce to me or me to a potential “mate” (By the way, mating season in Lebanon is a year round affair.)<br /><br />Weddings are fun and the Carpe Diem ideology works best in such settings. Yet, I missed the opportunity to seize “anything” and I was about to get another message.<br /><br />The second funeral also hit close.<br />This one was the celebration of a man who epitomized Carpe Diem. Uncle Y. was 73 years old when he decided he had had enough. There was not much more to do. He had done it all. He is the only one I know of who combined guns & poetry. He was the last of the “Abadayet” <span style="font-size:85%;">(4)</span>. A breed of men for whom courtesy comes first and enjoying life a close second. They never worried about money or planning the future. They lived in different times and different eras.<br />I sat through the condolences ceremonies for 5 days. I heard every story imaginable about him and the folks who were telling me these always ended their tale by: “...he grabbed life by its horns…”<br /><br />When I walked out of the church hall where we were receiving condolences yesterday, I was thinking about his life and mine. I realized I was taking life too seriously, I was too insistent on navigating and not letting go of the helm. It was taking too much effort and too much resistance. I was worried that Carpe Diem might interfere with my future plans. But my future plans are NOW.<br /><br />I slowed the car to a complete stop and signaled to turn left. As I moved to cross, a speeding car hit mine on the side and spun the car 180 degrees and I hit the gate head on.<br />It was a real loud crash. I unbuckled my seat and stepped out of the car. I looked at myself just to see if I was bleeding. Nothing. I squeezed my knees to check if they are ok. Nothing. I looked around, people were looking at me with awe. They did not believe I made it. The other car fled the scene. I did not care. I could not believe what just happened. My first ever car accident, 18 years after I got my driving license !!!<br /><br />I looked at the car and I felt scared. During those few seconds of spinning, I kept thinking "it could all be taken in a flash".<br /><br />Thanks a lot.<br />I got the message.<br />Carpe Diem.<br /><br /><br />(1) Lebanese pop culture singers. Although their names should never be used in the same sentence where the word “culture” appears.<br />(2) Congratulations<br />(3) Old woman with a knack for gossip and matching<br />(4) To borrow an analogy from the Wild West, these guys are the oriental version of a Jesse James or a Wyatt Earp.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1160025401143771202006-10-05T08:14:00.000+03:002006-10-18T20:30:28.643+03:00Another ThoughtIf ALL babies are cute...<br />How come there are so many obnoxious people around?<br /><br />What the hell happened ???Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1159493005975165942006-09-29T04:13:00.000+03:002006-10-05T23:04:45.436+03:00Are we done yet? Like Hell we are …My alter-ego in the blogosphere wrote an article recently putting <a href="http://mezateza.blogspot.com/2006/09/were-not-done-yet.html">men into categories</a>. This is after we exchanged a few rallies of articles about Men/Women relationships and other current calamities!<br /><br />So without further a due let’s get into the heart of it.<br /><br />At the beginning of her article Maya@NYC wrote:<br /><em>“In the morning, the reflection in my bathroom mirror is just a façade. It carries nothing in it. Just shapes, colors, forms. I am not there. I am in someone’s mind, on someone’s thoughts, in someone’s heart. In someone’s eyes.”</em><br /><br />I respect that, after all this is a typical woman’s approach to her morning bathroom ritual.<br /><br />For us men, that experience is much much less philosophical or existential if you want.<br /><br />Of course we do look at the mirror to size up the shape of that ever growing gut and we pat it in and out trying to make it disappear or we can just turn half-way so that the angle is such that we see no gut. Of course we do stand and flex those muscles and say to ourselves: “Damn, those muscles put that Schwarzenegger dude to shame”.<br /><br />Another aspect of our morning bathroom ritual, and women living with men can relate to this, is the noise factor!!!<br />Yep, it comes with the package I am sorry. That “Bayd Bi Awarma and Mkanek wou Soujouk(1)” dinner we feasted on yesterday with the guys has to find an exit somewhere after digestion and with us men all outlets are fair game … especially in the morning in the privacy of that bathroom.<br />I mean this is so deadly that I am proposing as a fight against global terror to send some of the guys I know to hunt down Bin Laden in those tricky caves he hides in. Americans may have used Agent Orange in their chemical warfare in Vietnam but in our approach we will use “Agent Mkanek” to biochemically blow that sucker into oblivion… Too bad I don’t agree with this neo-con administration and I am leaving my plan for the next one.<br /><br />Now let’s get into the fun part of categorizing women just as Maya did in categorizing men.<br /><br />First, she mentioned that some men make women feel like objects. Well, my first category is then of course: <a href="http://anaminbeirut.blogspot.com/2006/08/eye-candy.html">Candy</a>.<br />Now, the <a href="http://anaminbeirut.blogspot.com/2006/09/letter-from-candy-fan-of-mine-vol-1_05.html">subject of Candy </a>has been discussed in sufficient details on this blog and we nearly missed a third world war and I personally came so close to loosing a good friend. I will not go into more Candy related matters but I will leave it specifically to my female readership, to enlighten me in particular and all the male readership in general on this question: If Candies are rampant all around why do you blame some men if they treated women as objects ? I mean what comes first here? is it because of Candy that men act that way? Or is it because men ARE that way that Candy exists? You tell me.<br /><br />Second, there are the ones who dress to kill. Problem is they cook the same way. So unless you have a death wish, you’d better stay away from those.<br /><br />Third, there are the mechanically hopeless ones. That’s when your wife/girlfriend interrupts your super important meeting with overseas clients to tell you that there is water in the carburetor of that brand new car you just got her. And you reply to her, don’t worry honey, there is no need to panic. I will send someone over to look at it. Where is the car now? And she replies it is in the pool!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />Fourth, there is the gold digger. Worst kind of them ALL. She married that balding fatso with the green pants and shiny white shoes because he was able to put her in a current year model Range Rover. After all, Mr. makes a bundle selling cow hides to Eastern European markets and this is how he got to be on first name basis with most of the “artistes” in Maameltein (2). Of course this is before he married “Madame” … and briefly after!!!<br />But hey, she doesn’t care since she can show off in front of her Bridge card playing group that she went to “Juan Les Pins”(3) for the summer tournament. Of course, Mr. thinks that “Jwan Lapin” is the cousin of “Jojo Lapin” and they are both cartoon characters.<br /><br />Fifth, the hand holder. She really likes to hold hands. You are damned to hold hers too because of you let go, she goes shopping!!! With this category, if your credit card is stolen and you notice on your statement that the thief is spending less than she does. Don’t report the stolen card.<br /><br />And then there is this category. When she is around, you feel that cosmic energy has been realigned. Although you were terrible at chemistry back in your school days, you suddenly understand it all, twenty some years later, you now understand how two liquids are miscible, and how atoms and electrons gravitate towards each other and you finally understand why an awesome energy is released from tiny molecules in nuclear physics. Although you never studied cardiology, you now know all about heart palpitations. You have no background whatsoever in physiology, but somehow you understand why you get sweaty palms and fidgety hands when she is around.<br /><br />And as long as you cannot explain all the above phenomena, we are still not done!!!<br /><br />(1): An eggs, lard and Lebanese sausage dish, if your medical insurance company knew you were under the same roof with, it would revoke your health policy without prior notice!!!<br /><br />(2): The infamous Lebanese red light district.<br /><br />(3): A rich and famous vacationing spot in France’s Cote d’Azur.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1157750483699095342006-09-09T00:16:00.000+03:002006-09-15T17:12:07.230+03:00Women as Neckties?A fellow blogger posted an intriguing article comparing <a href="http://mezateza.blogspot.com/2006/09/shoes-as-men.html">Men to shoes</a>. Now, there is no need to get offended before reading it. I found it witty and appealing. If it were music I would put it in the category of a light sonata.<br /><br />It got me thinking though, I know women are mysterious, incomprehensible creatures (just read the comments on some of my earlier posts and you will get the drift) but can I compare them to items in my wardrobe as well? <br /><br />So I took a walk in my walk-in closet and looked at that huge collection of neckties and said that’s it. Women are like neckties.<br /><br />The good news is that we hold you around our necks, unlike shoes which are stepped on in very dirty environments, picking up all kind of filth, bacteria and mud. We tend to take extra care of our neckties.<br /><br />The bad news is, you never look good around our necks unless TIGHTLY TIED!!! The bad news here is for us men of course, I am sure you don’t mind being tied around our necks with the tightest knot ever!<br /><br />I started picking up the ties and remembering where I got this one, or who gave me that one and why. <br /><br />My first three ties were Pierre Balmain, given to me by this French girl I dated for a semester my first year of college. Designed to be just a fling, I only wore them while dating her, their appeal quickly faded as fashion done them in!<br /><br />Then I had this Nautica tie. Simple, straightforward, happy and colorful design. Problem is it’s too casual. Only good at an outdoor barbecue party with distant family members you see once in a blue moon.<br /><br />Then I found this Izod tie. Should have never been a tie, Should have never gotten it.<br /><br />The Kenneth Cole tie, I bought. Later on, I thought it was too expensive and not worth it. Not a good feeling. Thank God, I can’t compare any of my relationships with that one.<br /><br />Lo and behold I found that Emporio Armani tie. Hum, not quite an Armani and fails miserably trying. Should stick to jeans I guess and never venture into “Necktie Territory”.<br /><br />Then there “she” was lying majestically at the end of the drawer, hidden from prying eyes and pesky dust. Ermenegildo Zegna, my favorite of all time. Quite expensive to acquire but so chic and sober it never goes out of fashion. Made from the best silk. She’s for keeps. Too bad, the one who gave it to me is married on the other side of the world but at least in my fond memories every time I wear the tie.<br /><br />I do have a Boss necktie. I hate the name though. Design is too cocky. I think I will recycle this one.<br /><br />A couple of Tommy Hilfiger ties have good designs but they would be too flaky to wear to any serious event. No brains I guess. Hold your horses, these were my choices to buy.<br /><br />Then I contemplated my whole collection of unbranded or unheralded neckties. Each had something special about it. A special period of my life, a special someone during that period or just me and myself battling it out with adulthood or manhood.<br /><br />Then it occurred to me. In my case, there is no way I can compare my neckties to women. I have so many of them which I don’t even wear anymore. No one in his right mind could entertain that many women with so many different tastes.<br /><br />Besides, the last time I wore a necktie was 6 months ago during a funeral!!!Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1157543248282708922006-09-06T14:45:00.000+03:002006-09-11T06:37:23.740+03:00Disclaimer …It seems to me that a recent post I wrote has been taken too seriously and I was criticized for its contents as a professional in the field of women psychology.<br /><br />Please note, that nowhere on my blog do I claim to be an expert on women issues or any other issues for that matter. Please know, I am no expert in any field. Period. And I proclaim it out loud and have no shame in admitting it. I am still learning even in my professional field in which I boast a 16 years experience but in the same time boast no expertise. Again I am still learning.<br /><br />Now I started this whole blogging thing to vent off some steam that was building up in my personal life. I urge all of you who go through the pain of reading my scribbles to know two things about their author’s:<br />One, I am an incurable optimist. I inherently believe in the good nature of the human specie and tend to judge people from that perspective. I was taught since my early learning years to appreciate people for what they have in their minds and their hearts. I tend to appreciate more what they have in their hearts because you can always fill your mind if you have the will.<br />Second, I always try and look at the funny side of things. If you read my earlier postings you will notice that even during the darkest days of the July war, I was able to laugh at few issues that makes all so human and got the satisfaction of extracting a few laughs from those who read my writings.<br /><br />Now, please, every time you visit my blog bear in mind that you will read about stuff that piss me off, make me laugh, or make me sad and I will always write about them sarcastically and make fun of them and not curse humanity because of it. <br /><br />Please do not take that personally or judge me as person. I use that piece of the virtual world to express what I cannot express in the real world. I know it speaks volume about me as a person but again that whole experience of writing is to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion for all kinds of literary purposes.<br /><br />Now, for your serious issues and stuffs which are bothering, itching, killing you. Don’t come to me for professional help or advice. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist or proctologist!!! (sorry could not resist). Now you come to me as friend and seek my advice, then expect 99% of the time that I will make you laugh about it and will laugh along with you because life is too short to hold grudges and in my medicine book laughter is the best cure.<br /><br />Now let me be … I have enough shit to deal with as it is.Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31542859.post-1157476582708266412006-09-05T20:04:00.001+03:002006-09-06T10:11:07.593+03:00Letter from a “Candy” fan of mine. Vol. 1.I received today the following letter from a member of my fan club who happens to be a "Candy".<br /><br /><em>gitanes legeres said...<br />Toi qui connais si bien les femmes, "ultimate chick magnet", help me out. please. how do u deal with an annoying, pretentious, useless, vaniteuse, mean and rude candy?<br />I'm a very pretty, smart, sexy and nice person, with a great career ahead of me. and I don't understand why I'm so damn upset about it. and it's not a man thing. and nothing to do with hormones, just in case u were thinking about mentioning anything related. (my hormones r very well under control and my neurones always fire in total harmony).<br />thank u dear chick magnet<br />allah ykhallik ya rab...<br />fan#001<br />(I need an answer. I'm seriously pissed off.) </em><br /><em></em><br />Dear Candy #001:<br /><br />First let me tell you that you came to the right person with your problem. However, we need to address a few issues, so let's dissect your letter. (Very Dr. Phil like)<br />First, you shall address me as "Your Holy Magnet" and not "ultimate chick magnet" please reserve such vocabulary to your surfer dude friends.<br /><br />Now, let's get into the semantics of your letter (I know you are wondering about "semantics" so please look it up in the dictionary - Oh you don't know what that is either !!!....)<br />Now, usually you should build sentences with a coherent logic (look up coherent) so when you say I am very pretty, smart …. Well here we call this a contradiction in terms and it throws off the whole meaning of the sentence. Now you could be pretty smart (notice the absence of the comma) and meaning intelligent or you could be pretty. The verdict is still not out on the availability of the specie pretty AND smart.<br /><br />You continue by saying you are sexy and nice, well don’t even go there girlfriend … you are either sweet and nice or sexy and a bitch … the line of compromise here is so thin.<br /><br />“…with a greater career ahead of me” well if you consider being seen from Thursday to Sunday in Crystal, Concerto, Casino and Igloo a career, then by all means you are overqualified and should be getting an honorary Ph.D.<br /><br />Now regarding why you are upset about it, because think about it Candy girl, with or without you around nothing will ever change…it is exactly the same, or maybe the gene pool of the population would need a bit less chlorine !!!!<br /><br />Now, speaking from my experience as an Ex-married man, whenever a woman says: “my hormones are very well under control and my neurones always fire in total harmony”.<br /><br />You should interpret that statement as follows:<br /><br />“My hormones are totally fucked up and my neurons are in disarray, you either stay away from me for the next 3 to 6 days or I shall eat your liver with Fava beans (ftftftftftftft – think Hannibal Lechter’s Silence of the Lambs)<br />So when it is not the hormones, it could be all the Botox, Silicon and other tit & ass friendly chemicals you are injecting in your body to attract Mr. Right, for whom we shall devote a whole post in the coming days.<br /><br />Now having written that, I shall retire from the blogsphere for a few light years and probably seek to become a hermit since the odds of me getting a date now are quite infinitesimal (is that dictionary still by your side Candy?)Ana Min Beirut - أنا من بيروتhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00806798516425109138noreply@blogger.com5