In better times, I would have ignored your messages and just deleted them into my trash folder. But lucky you, since July 12 the nature of my daily workload dramatically changed so I am taking the time and having the pleasure of answering your messages.
1) On sexual enhancement products and other goodies:
I have received several messages inquiring if I am suffering from an “erectile” problem.
Well, I live in Beirut now and I am obviously suffering from a “projectile” problem. If you have a pill to cure that, I will buy it by the truckload.
Other messages inquired if I am having a problem “getting it up”. Well I am having a problem “getting it for my car”. Gas that is.
Do you have a pill for that? I did not think so.
One of you sent me this message which for the sake of intellectual property and integrity I’m copying and pasting here:
“The greatest thing about SOFT CIALIS is the security that you are on "automatic pilot", relaxed, carefree, with no worries about a sudden loss of erectile powers, no matter what kind of interruptions (kids knocking at door, dog barking, ill-fitting condoms) may be thrown your way.”
Oh yeah, what about if they throw an F-16 rocket my way, will I still be on automatic pilot? And if Israeli war ships are bombing the southern suburbs of my city does that qualify as an interruption without a sudden loss of “erectile powers”?What happens to my “erectile powers” if I zap to a press conference by Amir Peretz (1) or an interview with Nayla Mouawad (2) [Hounik el Knock out!!!].
Another enlightened one sent me this masterpiece:
“Hi, Hope I am not writing to wrong address. I am nice, pretty looking girl. I am planning on visiting your town this week. Can we meet each other in person? Message me back at firstname.lastname@example.org”
Oh I can’t wait to meet you, I know a very nice café in Haret Hreik (3) where they serve a killer cocktail named “Mirkava-on-the-rocks”. My treat of course.
2) On stock brokers or should I call them stock spammers:
First, if you want any of us to actually read your spam use a bigger font!!!
Second, do you think we take those stocks or those companies you are pushing seriously? If you do then I have a couple of stocks to sell you myself.
Ticker: D.I.C.K. this stock is Hot. And if you get in touch with the guy from above who sells Cialis tabs your stock is bound to go UP!!! That’s my little insider tip for you.
Ticker: F.C.K.U it should be obvious what this company does. So Enjoy!!!
If there ever was an orgasmic stock this is it.
To close this section, I am sharing with you guys what a wise man once told me and never understood until lately: the safest way to double your money, fold it over and put it in your pocket.
3) On African relatives of warlords or princes who want a safe haven for their gazillion Dollars.
Ok, I got to admit this is done with the intelligence of a lamp post! I mean come on I’ve seen smart bombs coming with better scenarios than what you guys are cooking up.
So you are the son of the late prince Claude de Gerkmiof (great family name by the way, I wonder what your grandfather pass time was?) now prince Claude, may God rest his soul, has managed to plunder 10 million dollars worth of diamonds and got shot trying to flee and now he’s a beacon for freedom fighters all over the world and you my friend are worried sick about his “legacy” and that it might go back to the government to be stolen by some other warlord.
You want me to be involved somehow because you got my name from I don’t know what American company who compiles email lists and you think that I have nothing else to do but accommodate your requests.
Well there is one thing I can do for you and I sincerely hope it would be of help. I still have a few stocks of F.C.K.U company which I am willing to unload at a joke of a price. Interested???
Man, it is unbelievable how thirty days of war make you forget the soothing therapy of giving people a piece of your mind. I am gonna do this more often.
(1) Israeli Defense Minister. He gives the song “you sexy motherfucker” a whole new meaning.
(2) Lebanese Minister of Social Affairs. Her ID card lists her under the gender female. I, on the other hand, cannot concur.
(3) The central part of the Southern Suburbs of Beirut. Or what used to be the Southern Suburbs of Beirut.