Friday, September 29, 2006

Are we done yet? Like Hell we are …

My alter-ego in the blogosphere wrote an article recently putting men into categories. This is after we exchanged a few rallies of articles about Men/Women relationships and other current calamities!

So without further a due let’s get into the heart of it.

At the beginning of her article Maya@NYC wrote:
“In the morning, the reflection in my bathroom mirror is just a façade. It carries nothing in it. Just shapes, colors, forms. I am not there. I am in someone’s mind, on someone’s thoughts, in someone’s heart. In someone’s eyes.”

I respect that, after all this is a typical woman’s approach to her morning bathroom ritual.

For us men, that experience is much much less philosophical or existential if you want.

Of course we do look at the mirror to size up the shape of that ever growing gut and we pat it in and out trying to make it disappear or we can just turn half-way so that the angle is such that we see no gut. Of course we do stand and flex those muscles and say to ourselves: “Damn, those muscles put that Schwarzenegger dude to shame”.

Another aspect of our morning bathroom ritual, and women living with men can relate to this, is the noise factor!!!
Yep, it comes with the package I am sorry. That “Bayd Bi Awarma and Mkanek wou Soujouk(1)” dinner we feasted on yesterday with the guys has to find an exit somewhere after digestion and with us men all outlets are fair game … especially in the morning in the privacy of that bathroom.
I mean this is so deadly that I am proposing as a fight against global terror to send some of the guys I know to hunt down Bin Laden in those tricky caves he hides in. Americans may have used Agent Orange in their chemical warfare in Vietnam but in our approach we will use “Agent Mkanek” to biochemically blow that sucker into oblivion… Too bad I don’t agree with this neo-con administration and I am leaving my plan for the next one.

Now let’s get into the fun part of categorizing women just as Maya did in categorizing men.

First, she mentioned that some men make women feel like objects. Well, my first category is then of course: Candy.
Now, the subject of Candy has been discussed in sufficient details on this blog and we nearly missed a third world war and I personally came so close to loosing a good friend. I will not go into more Candy related matters but I will leave it specifically to my female readership, to enlighten me in particular and all the male readership in general on this question: If Candies are rampant all around why do you blame some men if they treated women as objects ? I mean what comes first here? is it because of Candy that men act that way? Or is it because men ARE that way that Candy exists? You tell me.

Second, there are the ones who dress to kill. Problem is they cook the same way. So unless you have a death wish, you’d better stay away from those.

Third, there are the mechanically hopeless ones. That’s when your wife/girlfriend interrupts your super important meeting with overseas clients to tell you that there is water in the carburetor of that brand new car you just got her. And you reply to her, don’t worry honey, there is no need to panic. I will send someone over to look at it. Where is the car now? And she replies it is in the pool!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fourth, there is the gold digger. Worst kind of them ALL. She married that balding fatso with the green pants and shiny white shoes because he was able to put her in a current year model Range Rover. After all, Mr. makes a bundle selling cow hides to Eastern European markets and this is how he got to be on first name basis with most of the “artistes” in Maameltein (2). Of course this is before he married “Madame” … and briefly after!!!
But hey, she doesn’t care since she can show off in front of her Bridge card playing group that she went to “Juan Les Pins”(3) for the summer tournament. Of course, Mr. thinks that “Jwan Lapin” is the cousin of “Jojo Lapin” and they are both cartoon characters.

Fifth, the hand holder. She really likes to hold hands. You are damned to hold hers too because of you let go, she goes shopping!!! With this category, if your credit card is stolen and you notice on your statement that the thief is spending less than she does. Don’t report the stolen card.

And then there is this category. When she is around, you feel that cosmic energy has been realigned. Although you were terrible at chemistry back in your school days, you suddenly understand it all, twenty some years later, you now understand how two liquids are miscible, and how atoms and electrons gravitate towards each other and you finally understand why an awesome energy is released from tiny molecules in nuclear physics. Although you never studied cardiology, you now know all about heart palpitations. You have no background whatsoever in physiology, but somehow you understand why you get sweaty palms and fidgety hands when she is around.

And as long as you cannot explain all the above phenomena, we are still not done!!!

(1): An eggs, lard and Lebanese sausage dish, if your medical insurance company knew you were under the same roof with, it would revoke your health policy without prior notice!!!

(2): The infamous Lebanese red light district.

(3): A rich and famous vacationing spot in France’s Cote d’Azur.


Maya@NYC said...

Duuuuuuuude! This time we ARE done!
and the last word was yours!
this is one fuuuuuuuunnnyyyyyyyy post!!!
now a small confession: I identified in all of the above!(kinda!)

Hassan said...

Great post.

Problem is, I hate you for bringing up the last category! Yaani what's wrong with sticking to being shallow and loving the Candy? :)

Delirious said...

:D :D :D

It must be your date of birth that makes you so funny ;)

And for more info, Jwan is Jojo's brother, not cousin: haydak issmo Jeannot Lapin... iqtada el tawdee7 ya3ni!

Agent Mkanek said...

Agent Mkanek Here ...
Awaiting orders to send Bin Laden into "Fartyrdom"
Over and out .....

Leafless Eve said...

Nice :)


1- I think women complain of being treated like objects only when it suites them.

2- Men are not always the ones guilty of objectifying them... Other women are just as guilty.

FreeCyprus said...

I haven't visited you since the bombings. Glad everything's ok now

How's the rebuilding comin along

Ana Min Beirut said...

Maya@NYC: Glad u found it funny, but why are u throwing the towel so soon??? I am only getting warmed up. Come on, there is a lot of morosity in the blogosphere...I look forward to my men v/s women cat fights with u. Please reconsider.

Hassan: I did not know you were a Candy man. tsk tsk tsk But judging from your comment I know you feel guilty admitting it.

Del: hala2 Juan khayo la Jojo...lah lah lah tkharbatit el ossa killa hek ;-) chou ra2em sijiloun bayt Lapin dakhlik ???

Agent Makanek !!!! (Oh God what have I unleashed)...
Well your intrusctions are at a Sandwich shop in Bourj Hammoud called Bedo. Eat 48 sandwiches of Mkanek and head to Tora Bora...Khod agent Soujouk ma3ak and call when u get Tichghlouli beleh...

Leafless Eve: Very true but could not say it. Coming from another woman's mouth is a lot safer believe me.

Free Cyprus: Hey my friend how are you doing? well the rebuilding is underway...remember it was the Lebanese who invented the word RESILIENCE !!! Hope you are fine...

Coco said...

Tayib w yalli mesh leb2a la wala category shou bta3mil? hein?

Leafless eve ma3a 7a22, I totally agree... w hey saro two women (akalneha nazra atouliyyeh walla ba3ed?).

7elweh hal categorization, it sheds the light on women in Lebanon, and what men see in them :) Merci