Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Letter from a “Candy” fan of mine. Vol. 1.

I received today the following letter from a member of my fan club who happens to be a "Candy".

gitanes legeres said...
Toi qui connais si bien les femmes, "ultimate chick magnet", help me out. please. how do u deal with an annoying, pretentious, useless, vaniteuse, mean and rude candy?
I'm a very pretty, smart, sexy and nice person, with a great career ahead of me. and I don't understand why I'm so damn upset about it. and it's not a man thing. and nothing to do with hormones, just in case u were thinking about mentioning anything related. (my hormones r very well under control and my neurones always fire in total harmony).
thank u dear chick magnet
allah ykhallik ya rab...
(I need an answer. I'm seriously pissed off.)

Dear Candy #001:

First let me tell you that you came to the right person with your problem. However, we need to address a few issues, so let's dissect your letter. (Very Dr. Phil like)
First, you shall address me as "Your Holy Magnet" and not "ultimate chick magnet" please reserve such vocabulary to your surfer dude friends.

Now, let's get into the semantics of your letter (I know you are wondering about "semantics" so please look it up in the dictionary - Oh you don't know what that is either !!!....)
Now, usually you should build sentences with a coherent logic (look up coherent) so when you say I am very pretty, smart …. Well here we call this a contradiction in terms and it throws off the whole meaning of the sentence. Now you could be pretty smart (notice the absence of the comma) and meaning intelligent or you could be pretty. The verdict is still not out on the availability of the specie pretty AND smart.

You continue by saying you are sexy and nice, well don’t even go there girlfriend … you are either sweet and nice or sexy and a bitch … the line of compromise here is so thin.

“…with a greater career ahead of me” well if you consider being seen from Thursday to Sunday in Crystal, Concerto, Casino and Igloo a career, then by all means you are overqualified and should be getting an honorary Ph.D.

Now regarding why you are upset about it, because think about it Candy girl, with or without you around nothing will ever change…it is exactly the same, or maybe the gene pool of the population would need a bit less chlorine !!!!

Now, speaking from my experience as an Ex-married man, whenever a woman says: “my hormones are very well under control and my neurones always fire in total harmony”.

You should interpret that statement as follows:

“My hormones are totally fucked up and my neurons are in disarray, you either stay away from me for the next 3 to 6 days or I shall eat your liver with Fava beans (ftftftftftftft – think Hannibal Lechter’s Silence of the Lambs)
So when it is not the hormones, it could be all the Botox, Silicon and other tit & ass friendly chemicals you are injecting in your body to attract Mr. Right, for whom we shall devote a whole post in the coming days.

Now having written that, I shall retire from the blogsphere for a few light years and probably seek to become a hermit since the odds of me getting a date now are quite infinitesimal (is that dictionary still by your side Candy?)


Maya@NYC said...

YO! are YOUR hormones in check!???
this is pretty harsh (notice the absence of comma)...
but I will speak on behalf of your other women visitors to say: we will blame this post on the sugar withdrawal, after those 20 baba-au rhum.
Gitanes legeres: don't binge smoke over this post. even the original Dr Phil doesn't make any sense!

Ana Min Beirut said...

Ya Maya ya Hayeteh ...khidina b7ilmik ...we are just having fun here ...besides I don't think Gitanes was serious (Oh my God I hope she was not) and she has been after me to write more about Candy ... So assuming she was no Candy, I wroet what I wrote ...ba3den to my credit read how I ended it. Khalas tale3 itnassak bi dayr Anoubbine :-)

Gitanes: save my ass here ...were u serious or just pulling my leg ?
come out come out wherever you are !!!!!

Jana said...

Gitanes Legeres: connait-il si bien les femmes après tout?

Anaminbeirut: hey, you too can answer the above question, in a future post if you want! You could use the opportunity to make up for decreasing popularity amongst your female audience after that last post!

inmotion said...

oh wow ..

seems like my female compatriots might have taken offense to this ..

Let's hope not

el 'akh ma kansh baddo yiza33il 7addan ..

it was funny though

really funny

take it all with a grain of salt

Ana Min Beirut said...

Mich bass grain of salt, zidoula chouyet BHar wou chi farmteyn sawda nayyeh !!!!!