Letter from a “Candy” fan of mine. Vol. 1.

I received today the following letter from a member of my fan club who happens to be a "Candy".

gitanes legeres said...
Toi qui connais si bien les femmes, "ultimate chick magnet", help me out. please. how do u deal with an annoying, pretentious, useless, vaniteuse, mean and rude candy?
I'm a very pretty, smart, sexy and nice person, with a great career ahead of me. and I don't understand why I'm so damn upset about it. and it's not a man thing. and nothing to do with hormones, just in case u were thinking about mentioning anything related. (my hormones r very well under control and my neurones always fire in total harmony).
thank u dear chick magnet
allah ykhallik ya rab...
fan#001
(I need an answer. I'm seriously pissed off.)

Dear Candy #001:

First let me tell you that you came to the right person with your problem. However, we need to address a few issues, so let's dissect your letter. (Very Dr. Phil like)
First, you shall address me as "Your Holy Magnet" and not "ultimate chick magnet" please reserve such vocabulary to your surfer dude friends.

Now, let's get into the semantics of your letter (I know you are wondering about "semantics" so please look it up in the dictionary - Oh you don't know what that is either !!!....)
Now, usually you should build sentences with a coherent logic (look up coherent) so when you say I am very pretty, smart …. Well here we call this a contradiction in terms and it throws off the whole meaning of the sentence. Now you could be pretty smart (notice the absence of the comma) and meaning intelligent or you could be pretty. The verdict is still not out on the availability of the specie pretty AND smart.

You continue by saying you are sexy and nice, well don’t even go there girlfriend … you are either sweet and nice or sexy and a bitch … the line of compromise here is so thin.

“…with a greater career ahead of me” well if you consider being seen from Thursday to Sunday in Crystal, Concerto, Casino and Igloo a career, then by all means you are overqualified and should be getting an honorary Ph.D.

Now regarding why you are upset about it, because think about it Candy girl, with or without you around nothing will ever change…it is exactly the same, or maybe the gene pool of the population would need a bit less chlorine !!!!

Now, speaking from my experience as an Ex-married man, whenever a woman says: “my hormones are very well under control and my neurones always fire in total harmony”.

You should interpret that statement as follows:

“My hormones are totally fucked up and my neurons are in disarray, you either stay away from me for the next 3 to 6 days or I shall eat your liver with Fava beans (ftftftftftftft – think Hannibal Lechter’s Silence of the Lambs)
So when it is not the hormones, it could be all the Botox, Silicon and other tit & ass friendly chemicals you are injecting in your body to attract Mr. Right, for whom we shall devote a whole post in the coming days.

Now having written that, I shall retire from the blogsphere for a few light years and probably seek to become a hermit since the odds of me getting a date now are quite infinitesimal (is that dictionary still by your side Candy?)